A very long time ago I used to subscribe to an obscure newsletter called Dads Only that was filled with parenting advice. Once I came across a little verse in that publication which has stayed with me all through the years: “Could I fail him? Could I let him down, this youth, in a world of trouble and sham? God, grant me the strength of body and mind, to be the man he thinks I am.” My kids were small when I first read those words, but I’ve tried to be true to the spirit of that little prayer over the last couple of decades. Though it’s written for and by a man I hold that it applies to all parents. The fact is that, at any age, we are such an important part of our children’s lives and they look to us for validation, guidance, and example. It’s a lofty calling, but we really do need to be who our children think we are … and who they need us to be. Furthermore, this remains important throughout our lives. When our children are small we may be their whole world. During their formative years they still need us to live up to their expectations, and as they move toward and through adulthood we need to continue showing them the path to follow. I know it sounds like a tall order, but that’s what we sign up for when we choose to be parents. And even if we become parents by accident it’s a commitment that we should have considered in advance.
Our lives are the window that our children, of any age, view the world through. The sarcastic saying, “do what I say and not what I do” is completely ludicrous. Our children will emulate us throughout our entire lives. They have that right to do so. As parents then, we have an obligation to live in a manner that we will be comfortable with our children emulating. If we don’t want our kids to smoke, drink, swear or whatever then we ought not. If we don’t want them to cheat, act violently or get divorced then we must not. If our desire is for them to be kind, selfless or faithful then we must be. In a very real way, we are the mold that continues to shape their lives long after our genetic contribution. The same holds true when they have grown up and moved out on their own. This is our calling as parents. Are you up for the challenge? You have to be, because if you have kids of any age they are watching you right now and, more than likely, you are their role model.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
What's in a Name?
A recent conversation with a friend took an unexpected turn and we ended up discussing the names we have for ourselves, and the names others have for us. I’m not referring to the actual names on our birth certificates so much as the names we collect in life that are descriptors or identifiers. Take a moment to recall what you may have been called by others in your life recently, or how you may have referred to those around you. I can identify many instances where I have labeled people in my life, some edifying, but others clearly deleterious and demeaning.
Just for sport, let’s take a look at some super heroes as overt examples of how we relate to names. First of all we have Superman, Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel. These names indicate strengths or character.
Then there others with names that describe specifics about their identity or physical attributes, like: Aqua Man, Spider Man, Iron Man, Batman, Batgirl, Ice Man, and so on. This might seem silly, but it illustrates how names identify us in a way that nearly all of us are familiar with. Might point is that the names we gather, as well as those we cast upon others, say something important about us. Now I’m going to move on, but if for some reason you find this paragraph interesting you can go to www.superheronames.net to look up your favorites or try out the Super Hero Name Generator.
It is important what we call others because labeling can have a powerful influence in people’s lives. I recently corrected a father who was jokingly calling his daughter “booger” as a silly pet name. What if such a name, even offered in jest, stuck with someone? My suggestion was to call a little girl princess, sunshine, or beautiful in order to glean any emotional benefit those names might offer. However, I am clearly a re-namer and have referred to each of my children with dozens of silly names through the years, though I’ve generally tried to keep them positive. We all seem to recall cases where parents have called their children stupid, lazy, worthless, ugly, fat, loser, and so forth, only to have those labels stick, at least emotionally, and affect those children into adulthood. Furthermore, negative labeling usually refers to our worst traits, rather than ones that it would be more fruitful to accentuate. And remember that even if we label people behind their backs those names can stick and catch up with them eventually. Even a mature adult, when confronted with such labels as those listed above, can start to take them to heart. Those are the kind of seemingly small things in life that tend to erode our self esteem over time, and even cause us to make choices that confirm, or conform to, negative labeling by others. It’s not even necessary to use a specific derogatory label to affect people adversely. Thoughtless offhanded comments about hair, clothing, physique, test scores, cars, money, intelligence, and so on tend to label, especially if the recipient is already sensitive regarding something about themselves that they perceive as a shortcoming. On the other hand, we have ample opportunity every day to sow seeds of encouragement with positive labeling and complimentary language. That’s the simplest way to enrich the lives of others, and make the world a better place for everyone. I have a favorite bible verse that I’ve memorized and even have referenced on the screen of my cell phone to remind me how to treat others. “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is suitable for edification, according to the need of the moment, that it might bring grace to those who hear.” ~ Ephesians 4:29. Those are great words to live by … and everyone in your life will appreciate them as well.
I also want to touch briefly on what we call ourselves. Our own perceived persona is critical to how we approach life, and all the people in it. If we think of ourselves in a negative light it has a measurable impact on our lives. People who think they are either winners or losers often prove themselves right by living up to, or down to, their own expectations. Do you think of yourself as: witty, fun, deep, smart, kind, energetic, happy, outgoing, successful, etc.? Or do you think of yourself as: dumb, boring, shy, silly, small, poor, hopeless, etc.? These are important questions because they direct our daily intercourse with others, and may even affect our destiny. Now it’s not quite as simple as saying you are what you think. There’s a lot of effort required in life as well. However, you may well become who you think you are over time. Our perceived identity certainly aims our actions and reactions. For example, if you expect very little of yourself you probably won’t be disappointed. Now we do all have certain bents, various physical attributes, and personality types. That’s what makes us … well, us. But some of us are carrying baggage, heaped upon us by our upbringing, past relationships, addictions, or unhealthy behavior. We live with names others have given us instead of looking to the best of ourselves for our identity. What do you call yourself? What would you like to call yourself? Start living towards that new name.
I would also like to call your attention to someone important who seems to change names. God. Historically, God change names as He has interacted with his people though in the bible. These name changes generally reflected His interruption of their previous lives for something better. Here are few examples: When God called Abram He renamed him to Abraham. Likewise, God renamed Abraham’s wife Sarai to Sarah. He renames Jacob to Israel. In the New Testament God renamed Simon to Peter (the Rock), and Saul to Paul. There are also biblical instances where God assigns someone an identity rather than an actual name change. An example would be when He called Gideon mighty warrior, even though Gideon had previously been living with an inferiority complex. But Gideon became a might warrior. The point is that God may have a different name for you than the rather ordinary one you have been living with. God takes the broken, the lonely, and the weary and gives them names of hope and victory. There is an obscure song about this that I really enjoy which goes like this: “I will change your name, you shall no long be called wounded, outcast, lonely or afraid. I will change your name, your new name shall be, confidence, joyfulness, overcoming one, faithfulness, friend of God, one who seeks my face.” So if you’re not happy with the label you’ve hung upon yourself, or perhaps the ones others have thoughtlessly placed upon you, start with some prayer and the bible and see if maybe God has a better name reserved for you. I’d be more than happy to discuss this further with anyone who is interested as well. You just never know.
Now I’ve bounced around a bit today, from child psychology to super heroes to Old Testament patriarchs and I realize that might be a little too much ground to cover for some people. However, I wanted to take a very broad look at this subject. Returning to the title question, what’s in a name? I would say a great deal, so I encourage you to take a closer look how you refer, or infer, to both others and yourself. Refuse to live with, or dispense to others, a label with negative connotations. Who are you, really?
Just for sport, let’s take a look at some super heroes as overt examples of how we relate to names. First of all we have Superman, Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel. These names indicate strengths or character.
Then there others with names that describe specifics about their identity or physical attributes, like: Aqua Man, Spider Man, Iron Man, Batman, Batgirl, Ice Man, and so on. This might seem silly, but it illustrates how names identify us in a way that nearly all of us are familiar with. Might point is that the names we gather, as well as those we cast upon others, say something important about us. Now I’m going to move on, but if for some reason you find this paragraph interesting you can go to www.superheronames.net to look up your favorites or try out the Super Hero Name Generator.
It is important what we call others because labeling can have a powerful influence in people’s lives. I recently corrected a father who was jokingly calling his daughter “booger” as a silly pet name. What if such a name, even offered in jest, stuck with someone? My suggestion was to call a little girl princess, sunshine, or beautiful in order to glean any emotional benefit those names might offer. However, I am clearly a re-namer and have referred to each of my children with dozens of silly names through the years, though I’ve generally tried to keep them positive. We all seem to recall cases where parents have called their children stupid, lazy, worthless, ugly, fat, loser, and so forth, only to have those labels stick, at least emotionally, and affect those children into adulthood. Furthermore, negative labeling usually refers to our worst traits, rather than ones that it would be more fruitful to accentuate. And remember that even if we label people behind their backs those names can stick and catch up with them eventually. Even a mature adult, when confronted with such labels as those listed above, can start to take them to heart. Those are the kind of seemingly small things in life that tend to erode our self esteem over time, and even cause us to make choices that confirm, or conform to, negative labeling by others. It’s not even necessary to use a specific derogatory label to affect people adversely. Thoughtless offhanded comments about hair, clothing, physique, test scores, cars, money, intelligence, and so on tend to label, especially if the recipient is already sensitive regarding something about themselves that they perceive as a shortcoming. On the other hand, we have ample opportunity every day to sow seeds of encouragement with positive labeling and complimentary language. That’s the simplest way to enrich the lives of others, and make the world a better place for everyone. I have a favorite bible verse that I’ve memorized and even have referenced on the screen of my cell phone to remind me how to treat others. “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is suitable for edification, according to the need of the moment, that it might bring grace to those who hear.” ~ Ephesians 4:29. Those are great words to live by … and everyone in your life will appreciate them as well.
I also want to touch briefly on what we call ourselves. Our own perceived persona is critical to how we approach life, and all the people in it. If we think of ourselves in a negative light it has a measurable impact on our lives. People who think they are either winners or losers often prove themselves right by living up to, or down to, their own expectations. Do you think of yourself as: witty, fun, deep, smart, kind, energetic, happy, outgoing, successful, etc.? Or do you think of yourself as: dumb, boring, shy, silly, small, poor, hopeless, etc.? These are important questions because they direct our daily intercourse with others, and may even affect our destiny. Now it’s not quite as simple as saying you are what you think. There’s a lot of effort required in life as well. However, you may well become who you think you are over time. Our perceived identity certainly aims our actions and reactions. For example, if you expect very little of yourself you probably won’t be disappointed. Now we do all have certain bents, various physical attributes, and personality types. That’s what makes us … well, us. But some of us are carrying baggage, heaped upon us by our upbringing, past relationships, addictions, or unhealthy behavior. We live with names others have given us instead of looking to the best of ourselves for our identity. What do you call yourself? What would you like to call yourself? Start living towards that new name.
I would also like to call your attention to someone important who seems to change names. God. Historically, God change names as He has interacted with his people though in the bible. These name changes generally reflected His interruption of their previous lives for something better. Here are few examples: When God called Abram He renamed him to Abraham. Likewise, God renamed Abraham’s wife Sarai to Sarah. He renames Jacob to Israel. In the New Testament God renamed Simon to Peter (the Rock), and Saul to Paul. There are also biblical instances where God assigns someone an identity rather than an actual name change. An example would be when He called Gideon mighty warrior, even though Gideon had previously been living with an inferiority complex. But Gideon became a might warrior. The point is that God may have a different name for you than the rather ordinary one you have been living with. God takes the broken, the lonely, and the weary and gives them names of hope and victory. There is an obscure song about this that I really enjoy which goes like this: “I will change your name, you shall no long be called wounded, outcast, lonely or afraid. I will change your name, your new name shall be, confidence, joyfulness, overcoming one, faithfulness, friend of God, one who seeks my face.” So if you’re not happy with the label you’ve hung upon yourself, or perhaps the ones others have thoughtlessly placed upon you, start with some prayer and the bible and see if maybe God has a better name reserved for you. I’d be more than happy to discuss this further with anyone who is interested as well. You just never know.
Now I’ve bounced around a bit today, from child psychology to super heroes to Old Testament patriarchs and I realize that might be a little too much ground to cover for some people. However, I wanted to take a very broad look at this subject. Returning to the title question, what’s in a name? I would say a great deal, so I encourage you to take a closer look how you refer, or infer, to both others and yourself. Refuse to live with, or dispense to others, a label with negative connotations. Who are you, really?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Bar Hopping
No, this isn’t really about bar hopping, at least not in the traditional sense. It has to do with sandbars. Upon reflection, it occurred to me that my recent entries have been pretty serious and perhaps a little levity was order. Last summer we were sailing on the Chesapeake with friends and our generous host offered me the wheel. I was delighted; delighted to be there and delighted to pilot their large and exceptional sailboat. And what could be better? I was engaged in my favorite leisure activity with some of my favorite people in a scenic new locale. The world was my oyster … for about twenty minutes, after which I promptly ran their beautiful boat aground on a sand bar. It wasn’t a real emergency, and the situation was promptly rectified. In fact, the only damage was to my pride. But hey, it happens. In fact, there’s an old adage that there are only two kinds of sailor: those who have run aground … and liars. Either way, after a few minutes we were back under way and still had an amazing day out on the water. My little grounding incident just became a funny story recounted in the poem below.
I can’t help commenting, however, that no matter how idyllic life may be we all run aground once in a while. And the same adage holds true in the broader world of experience that there are only two kinds of people in the world: those who have had problems, and liars. Sometimes the channel isn’t clearly marked, but more often we’re just careless … like me. But the sand bars should not define our journey. They are just bumps along the way and we need focus on the open waters ahead that still hold so much in store for us. My advice to you is to beware of shallow water and obstacles like sand bars, and avoid the ones you can. But when you do find yourself stuck in the mud, get unstuck and sail on. Some people just stay there in the mud for their whole lives and miss the other amazing parts of the cruise. I say sail on … and bon voyage!
Bar Hopping
It all began innocently enough
With a gentle breeze fair on the beam
As we ghosted down the South River
An idyllic day, out of a dream
The skipper offered me the wheel
And I accepted cheerfully
So, taking the con, I sailed on
Things were going swimmingly
Then, of a sudden, the depth alarm
Began to emit its telltale squeal
Moments later the helm took on
An unusually sluggish feel
Apparently the officer of the watch
Lulled into complacency
Had strayed from the center channel
And drifted off course, you see
One moment there was a bow wave
And the Eastern Shore beckoned afar
The next we were dead in the water
When Frank stuck us hard on the bar
The crew all raced to the lee rail
The skipper reclaimed the Wheel
And we got her off in a moment
With vigorous seamanship and zeal
“It’s OK, no harm, no foul”
The skipper was quick to proclaim
It was just a little mud, after all
But mud had become my name
Yet, disaster was averted
So everyone enjoyed their day
And after I clean the other head
I’m allowed to go out and play
By Frank Carpenter ©
I can’t help commenting, however, that no matter how idyllic life may be we all run aground once in a while. And the same adage holds true in the broader world of experience that there are only two kinds of people in the world: those who have had problems, and liars. Sometimes the channel isn’t clearly marked, but more often we’re just careless … like me. But the sand bars should not define our journey. They are just bumps along the way and we need focus on the open waters ahead that still hold so much in store for us. My advice to you is to beware of shallow water and obstacles like sand bars, and avoid the ones you can. But when you do find yourself stuck in the mud, get unstuck and sail on. Some people just stay there in the mud for their whole lives and miss the other amazing parts of the cruise. I say sail on … and bon voyage!
Bar Hopping
It all began innocently enough
With a gentle breeze fair on the beam
As we ghosted down the South River
An idyllic day, out of a dream
The skipper offered me the wheel
And I accepted cheerfully
So, taking the con, I sailed on
Things were going swimmingly
Then, of a sudden, the depth alarm
Began to emit its telltale squeal
Moments later the helm took on
An unusually sluggish feel
Apparently the officer of the watch
Lulled into complacency
Had strayed from the center channel
And drifted off course, you see
One moment there was a bow wave
And the Eastern Shore beckoned afar
The next we were dead in the water
When Frank stuck us hard on the bar
The crew all raced to the lee rail
The skipper reclaimed the Wheel
And we got her off in a moment
With vigorous seamanship and zeal
“It’s OK, no harm, no foul”
The skipper was quick to proclaim
It was just a little mud, after all
But mud had become my name
Yet, disaster was averted
So everyone enjoyed their day
And after I clean the other head
I’m allowed to go out and play
By Frank Carpenter ©
Saturday, March 05, 2011
Courageous Hearts
Whether we experience only small problems or we are overwhelmed with what life is throwing at us, the freedom to choose our response is what determines how we’ll get through … and who we are. We have the opportunity each day to make courageous choices that can give our life the dignity and meaning that can make it so worthwhile. Yes, I did use the word courageous. You don’t have to be a Marine or a fireman or a policeman in order to be courageous. Each one of us, from the greatest to the least needs courage. Our choices may sometimes seem small, but they are still the choices which define us. They build our character and integrity, they prove our commitment to other people, they bring honor to our roles at home and in the workplace, and they are what carry us through the difficulties we face each day. The critical virtue of courage is the catalyst which transforms an ordinary life into an extraordinary life. You don’t need to lead a battle charge, rush into a burning building or jump out of an airplane to be courageous. All you have to do is make wise choices throughout your daily life. Perhaps you may be called upon to face physical danger at some point in your life. Either way, I guaranty that you face emotional, moral and spiritual danger every day. And in those situations, which are often more difficult to identify than physical danger, we still have the opportunity to do something heroic at every juncture.
It’s so tempting to compromise in our busy and pressured world, and it always seems like there is an easier choice available that would simplify our lives. But courageous people make honorable and difficult choices even when they don’t feel like it. When we’re tired, or busy or running late it’s tempting to choose poorly. If you’re overworked or underappreciated it’s easy to respond selfishly. When the kids are getting to you, or some other relative or friend offends you the natural response is to lash out at them. When you’re doing your taxes or filling out loan documents the temptation to fudge a little presents itself. If you’re sitting in front of your computer and an inappropriate email or advertisement beckons, the most natural thing is to click on it out of curiosity. When you have everyone’s attention why not embellish your story? When folks put us on the spot it’s so simple to fabricate a little lie to protect ourselves or deflect the blame. Each of these moments, regardless how seemingly insignificant, is a test of our courage. Sure, nobody cares, no one is looking, no one will ever find out. No harm, no foul right? We can rationalize things however we like but each choice, like a single tap of the sculptor’s hammer, has an effect upon us in the long run. Each of those instances presents an opportunity to make a courageous choice. Courageous people do the right thing, even when no one is looking.
And if we develop a life of making courageous small choices, when the big ones come along or larger danger looms it will come naturally to continue choosing wisely. The small acts of courage, like the training of an athlete, prepare us for the defining moments of our lives when the chips are really down and much more is at stake. That is when heroes are made … the dramatic heroes we read about in the paper, but also the quiet heroes all around us who are the salt and light of this world.
If you’re going through difficult times right now you’ll be faced with situations and decisions that will test and stretch you. Embrace them and choose wisely so that you may emerge from this dark period as a better person. If things seem to be going great you will have different temptations, but they’ll still be there. Whatever your circumstance, remember that a courageous life will be an extraordinary life. And that is my hope and prayer for you today.
Hearts Courageous
There are those who shove their hands into their pockets
And walk off the field before the game is done
Who quit, forlorn, admitting they are beaten
And concede before they hear the final gun
But there are others who rise up to meet the challenge
And who never give a thought to their defeat
Who are winners, regardless of the scoreboard
Who give everything they have with each heartbeat
These are the ones who run when most are walking
Though muscles ache and sweat streams in their eyes
Who find hope to carry on when all seems hopeless
And forge ahead without a shred of compromise
When the battle rages and the team is slipping
Men of fortitude are always set apart
Not only by their deeds, but by their efforts
And the strength they find within courageous hearts
By Frank Carpenter ©
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