A Husband's Prayer

When I look around lately there seem to be a lot of relationships in trouble, or at least struggling. Couples often don’t see eye to eye, or they have reached a stage of passive-aggressive détente. The thing is that if life can be so much better than that, why should we settle for it? Let’s be clear, I’m not advocating divorce. Rather, I’m advocating that we roll up our sleeves and make things work for the better. John Lenin penned the famous lyrics, “All you need is love.” Well that’s theoretically true, but it doesn’t make much allowance for human nature. In fact, relationships do need much more than love. Love is great. Love is amazing. I’m the hugest fan of love ever. However, we live in a world that has been duped by Hollywood, popular music, and even literature. Folks think that if they have love they’ve got it made and the “happily ever after” is nothing less than a foregone conclusion. Then they can’t figure out why they’re unhappy four years later and they want to move out because their spouse squeezes the toothpaste wrong or clicks the cereal bowl too loudly with their spoon. The issue at the heart of this is that we need to redefine love.

At the root of it all, we have a problem with semantics. Too many people believe that love is a noun. They think of it as a romantic ideal, and if you’re lucky enough to have it then you’ve got the ticket for violins and sunsets. That sounds great, but it’s entirely too shallow for long-term effectiveness. The concept that you can just have “it” and that’s all you’ll need doesn’t fly. For if we follow such a line of reasoning, then what do you do when “it” goes away? Are we then off the hook because the relationship no longer has any basis? Love, as a feeling, comes and goes in far too fickle a manner to be depended solely upon. But love, real love, is not a noun at all. It’s a verb, perhaps the best verb of all. Real love is action. We don’t merely have it, we do it. So if we truly love then it will be active … actually, make that proactive.

That being said, I will turn my thoughts towards today’s intended audience. I want to talk to you men, not because I find any particular fault with you, but because you’re my demographic and the group I feel called to speak to today. Men, we need to step up and take the fact that love is a verb to heart. I encourage you to become a student of your wife and learn what makes her happy. Then take a proactive approach to loving her. And here’s the thing: If we work to make our wives happy, and love them unconditionally, then they will generally respond in kind. Love and marriage aren’t fifty-fifty arrangements. Relationship is about giving one hundred percent. So I’m calling on you men to do your part, unilaterally if necessary. It’s up to us to take the lead and set the tone for our shared happiness. Make sure that love, your love specifically, is a verb. That’s the path to the better kind of adjectives, after all.

Now today’s offering has been aimed all along at a prayer, as I fully disclosed in the title. Here’s the thing. I’m a Christian and I believe that God is the author of real love, and that’s why I offer the following prayer for husbands. If you disagree with me, you can drop the last stanza and you’re still in business, but you may miss out on what I personally consider the foundation of my own thirty years of extremely happy and successful marriage. Either way, let’s make sure that we keep our love alive by practicing it every day. To that end, I offer you the following manly marriage metaphor. Love is like a shark. It has to keep swimming or it sinks to the bottom and drowns. So I’m counting on you, guys, to keep your love swimming. A good start will be to pray the following prayer. You might even want to print it out, tack it up, and read it over once in a while. If your wife saw this little prayer in your wallet or taped to the bathroom mirror it would warm her heart to brimming. If you actually prayed it and took it to heart, you might just end up in the hall of fame of awesome husbands. And every guy wants to be in the hall of fame. So remember … it’s a verb.

With All My Heart
(A Husband's Prayer)
With all my heart, with all my mind
May I be faithful, gentle and kind
May I be watchful and creative
Ever wary of the needs
Of the one whom I adore
May I be willing to concede
Willing, also, to forgive
And more important, to forget
Slow to anger, quick to listen
Never speaking curse nor threat
May I be conscious of my duty
To her dignity and pride
Responsive to the subtle hints
Which reveal the heart inside
May I be mindful of how fragile
Close relationships can be
Placing her above my selfish needs
At each opportunity
Lord, rekindle in me daily
The love I have for her
So my thoughts and deeds and motives
And devotion remain pure
May I be the kind of husband
That my wife needs me to be
Loving her with all my heart
And bringing glory, Lord, to Thee
By Frank Carpenter ©

Just Where You Are

Today I’m reaching out to those who may be hurting or in distress. Life can be difficult sometimes. Whether we are in the midst of the big life-threatening or life-changing trials, or simply overwhelmed by the stress of the day or situation, the feelings can be much the same. Sometimes life just seems like everything is going wrong and we have no place to turn. To that I say that we absolutely have someplace to turn. God. There is a God who cares about you and understands all that you are going through. Even if it feels like He’s a million miles away, He’s actually right beside you. Do you feel like it’s been too long since you’ve prayed or gone to church? It hasn’t. Are you in a bad place in your life and you’re afraid to be honest with God? You needn’t be. The amazing thing is that whoever we are, wherever we are, whatever we’ve gone through … God meets us right where we are. He is a friend to the brokenhearted and loves you more than you could know. So if you’re lonely or sad or tired, disappointed, discouraged, or hard of heart just close your eyes and open your mouth and ask God to meet you right where you are. It doesn’t take an eloquent prayer to get God’s attention. It just takes and honest one. Whatever you’re facing in life, you don’t have to face it alone. Give God a chance to give you a second chance. The next move is yours.

Just Where You Are
Maybe your heart is broken
Or the darkness is closing in
Perhaps you are overwhelmed by pain
Or your faith is wearing thin
Wherever you may be in life
Whatever you’re going through
God stoops to meet you where you are
And He’s reaching out to you
Let Him wrap His arms around you
And draw you into His care
For wherever you may find yourself
Your God will meet you there
By Frank Carpenter ©

Collections

Have you ever paused to think about the things to which you ascribe value? I think an interesting way to approach this question is to consider what we collect. In one way or another we are all collectors of some sort, often without even knowing it. There are the obvious collectables like stamps, coins, etc. I know that in my youth I collected stamps. As it turns out the stamps weren’t all that important to me and, upon reflection, I realize that I mostly enjoyed sharing the time and interest with my step dad. He would probably say the same thing because we have a lot of fond memories of buying, organizing and generally messing around with stamps. I think it was kind of a rainy Saturday pastime because, even as a distracted middle-aged adult, rainy days still make me think about sitting around the dining room table in my childhood home with my step dad. I would venture to say the best hobbies and collections are those that revolve around relationships.

To get back on task, I wonder what you collect. I love books, but only have about one shelf worth that I really care about. Some folks collect books rabidly. Books are a good thing, but they are meant to be read and many people collect them for decoration rather than their historical or intellectual value. I know someone who collects matchbooks, which at least have location names on them that can associate them with memories. Lots of folks collect pictures. Especially since the advent of digital photography in the past 10 years, there is a lot more to do with our photos. Again, I appreciate that photos are also wrapped up with memories and history. I have known a couple of people, though, for whom the obsession with the photos at times eclipsed the loved ones they represented. Garage people collect tools. Kitchen people collect the assorted appliances and utensils of their passion. Garden people, in their own way, collect plants and flowers. Art people collect various paintings and other mediums. Some have a bent towards sports memorabilia. All these are fine passions and have the potential to be finer still if we employ them for the service and encouragement of others.

Keep in mind also that, at least to mind, what qualifies one as a collector is not the quantity of objects, but their passion for, and commitment to, those objects. I’ve known families who had only two cars, yet they were so passionate and meticulous about those particular cars that I’d call them collectors. Let us also consider that there are even some people who collect other people. They are not slave owners, mind you, but they are so conscious of the number and quality of their relationships, as well as the enjoyment and pursuit thereof, that I’d definitely categorize them as collectors. So you see, there are many ways to approach this concept.

And what about me? Definitely not the cars, but maybe the people. My stamps have been in a box in the garage for a couple of decades. I do collect obscure, old, and unusual post cards. However, I do so only for the purpose of mailing them to others as part of my own correspondence. The only thing I really collect on an ongoing basis is rocks. No, I’m not a geology buff. I just pick up rocks when I travel that represent particular memories or events. They aren’t large, nor are there all that many. Nonetheless, I have bowl of rocks on my desk at work filled with my favorite rocks. I tend to pick up interesting ones that have a flat side, which allows me to write the date and the name of the place on them. What, might you ask, makes a worthy rock for my coveted bowl? Here are a few examples:

· I have a rock from climbing to the top of Mt. Whitney
· One from each of my children’s universities
· One from walking on the beach with my dear wife
· Some from several national parks of particular interest
· My dear friend brought me one from Babylon during the 2nd Gulf War
· I have a tiny sea urchin from snorkeling with my daughter (OK, not a rock)
· A strange looking rock from my son’s new back yard
· Quite a few from assorted vacations
· My wife visited Sri Lanka right after the tsunami and brought me some rubble
· A piece of a crumbling wall in a French country village
· A worthless rock from a gold mine my father-in-law visited (family joke)
· One from the central coast beach where my bride and I fell in love
· A brick from a forgotten town in Arizona named after my great, great grandfather
· Another brick from the home we lived in when we first married (now destroyed)
· A piece of petrified wood from a favorite mesa in Utah

Well, I think you get the point. And what is actual cash value of my complete rock collection? It probably tallies up at about nine cents. However, they are priceless to me because the rocks tell the story of my life, or at least the high points of my life. They show where I spent my leisure time, where we took our family vacations, and also where I generally wrote a poem to accompany the memory. These are not just stones, but touchstones that catalogue my travels. They are like the products of an archeological dig which give clues to where I went, how I lived, why those memories matter, and who I shared them with. Anyway, that’s why I collect rocks. And I’m certainly not advocating that anyone else should, but it works for me.

As you perhaps review your own tendency to collect, I hope I may have opened a window of perspective for you. Enjoy your own passion, and don’t forget to share it with others and explain to your loved ones why you collect things and what they mean to you.

Rocks
You never know what folks will value
And when I pause to recollect
The list is nearly endless
Of the thing that we collect
From plethora of tourist trinkets
Stuffed animals and guns
To works of art and cars, I guess
There is something for everyone
I know a fellow who saves matchbooks
Some coins or stamps or swizzle sticks
Antique, retro, modern
Really, you can take your pick
Me, I’ve got a thing for rocks
And wherever I may be
I pick up a rock along the way
Maybe even two or three
I write the date and locale on them
To recall the place to me
And each becomes a sort of bookmark
That represents a memory
I keep them in a bowl at home
Digging through them now and then
As they are tangible reminders
Which take me back again
To people and to places
Which, through the years I’ve known
And a host of moments that I
Cherish more than precious stones
These rocks have no commercial value
Yet, they’re priceless, don’t you see
For they catalogue my lifetime
And each contains a memory
By Frank Carpenter ©

Resolution

Well, here we are in a brand new year. This is the time when many people think about new beginnings. They plan, they write lists, and they make resolutions. Chances you are more organized them me, but I’ve had less than outstanding experience with New Year’s resolutions. Please note that there is no shortage of things about me that could use an overhaul, or at least some improvement. The resolution program just doesn’t seem to be the right motivational tool for promoting long-term change in my own life. However, I do want to be a better person and the logical choice for me is to work on my trajectory. While I’m loath obligate myself to a list, I have resolved to keep moving in the right direction in important areas of my life. I’m a sailor and it’s easy for me think in terms of a compass heading. So, even as I distain a specific list for myself, I have taken some bearings and will attempt to stay on course so that each day, in some way, I’m a better man than I was the day before.

As I was pondering these things I came across the following quote by Benjamin Franklin: “Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each year find you a better man.” That seems to sum up my current thinking on this subject. As you face your own New Year I hope that you’ll join me in this venture at least. Are you more highly organized or motivated? If you got a list of ten things that you truly intend to accomplish this year then more power to you. You might even be my hero. If not, let’s just be better. Let’s move towards better health. Let’s be better friends, fathers, mothers, employees, grandparents, citizens, believers, brothers, sisters, etc. If the world is going to be a better place, we are going to have to be better people. That’s a good start, and a journey we can all begin together.

A Better Man
Here we are at New Years Day again
I’ve found a rock to sit upon
And ponder what the next year holds
Now that the last is gone
I won’t delude myself by drafting
Some long list of resolutions
Since history so oft has shown
I’ve not the will for execution
Yet, the wisdom of my hindsight
So dearly bought in years gone by
Still provides encouragement
Throughout this coming year to try
To become a better person
And make the world a better place
At least the little corner of it
Within my power to embrace
For if I can make a difference
In the little sphere I see
Then that gives my life a purpose
And it must begin with me
No long list of resolutions
Or some complicated plan
But I resolve to strive each day
To be a better man
By Frank Carpenter ©