Tokens of Affection

Today’s subject has been stewing in my brain for quite some time. It grows out of experience as a parent and extensive interaction with a broad spectrum of teenagers. I suppose it actually applies to all relationships, but the inspiration was born as I observed young people. Perhaps every parent in history has cautioned every teenager and young adult in history, in more or less words, about easing gently into relationships and remaining as frugal as possible with their affections. In that sense, I am probably no different than the rest. After studying kids in junior high and high school, as well as young adults in college, I am more convinced than ever that our affections need to be guarded and cherished with the utmost prudence. So many people, young and old alike, seem to throw their bodies at the opposite sex, in varying degrees, without giving their hearts and minds a chance to catch up. Rather, they allow their hearts and minds to be dragged and driven by their passions. Now I’m not just talking about sex here. Clearly, that’s happening. However, I’m more concerned at this particular moment with the “stepping stone” affections which may lead to greater commitment. Even such simple transactions as holding hands or kissing need to be considered more carefully. I refer to these actions as transactions because they are just that. Something is exchanged. It provides mutual benefit, and it develops relationship. Why are these modest transactions a big deal? It is because they build or imply commitment. If you can get first, second and third base out of your mind try to consider affections as relating to levels of commitment. Far too often physical affection of some kind forms the foundations of attachment, rather than companionship, mutual respect or intellectual stimulation. Yet, these are the things that actually build a true and lasting relationship. Perhaps the only thing worse than affection that implies commitment is affection without commitment, which only serves to cheapen all of the above. Men are often accused of degrading women, and they do their share, but this is an area where many women do a dandy job of degrading themselves … not only by their actions, but by their personal advertising as well. Ladies, please demand a little respect for you determine whether you are treated as an object or a person. Likewise, you men, how about a little honor, respect and self control? It’s a good rule to treat everyone else’s sister in the same manner that you would like to have your own sister treated. Such attitudes can serve to build firmer relational foundations. Cherish the first caress, the first hand-holding, the first kiss, and make them more meaningful as milestones. It’s a simple case of supply and demand. Anything that is readily available and easily had goes down in value, it becomes cheap. Naturally, the opposite applies as well. So choose to be valuable, and that will increase the value of your entire relationship. Besides, why squander your kisses on someone until after you have determined whether or not they are deserving thereof? Kissing frogs is a terrible way to find a prince. Likewise, we should be frugal with our words as well. By the time someone actually finds a person truly worth saying “I love you” to, the words have often come to mean so little that we have degraded the amazing gift those words can be. Choose them carefully, especially because love is so easily confused with lust and infatuation. Too many young people bet too much of themselves on their ability to discern between those three words. When they lose that bet, they only end up stealing something precious from their own future … and from themselves. And since I’ve mentioned love, I guess I’ll go all the way out on the limb and mention sex as well. All I want to say here is that love is never the justification for sex. In that context, especially if you are young, the two are usually mutually exclusive. The litmus test is that if you don’t want the advice of older married people like me, or your parents, because we “just don’t understand,” then it’s probably not love. If that is the case, please reconsider my supply and demand comments above. Then I would urge you, once again, to be valuable. Respect yourself, and each other, and enjoy life in each of its proper seasons.

In closing, I’ve covered a lot of ground today. Some folks are nodding their heads with approval and saying, “Thank God someone stood up and said these things.” Others, of course, may disagree with me completely. If you’re in that group, I certainly welcome your comments and input as well. And yes, I do reply to all my emails. As I sign off, I encourage each of us once again to guard our tokens of affection, as well as our words. Some day you might even thank me.

Tokens of Affection
We often give away too much, too soon
Committing by degrees
As new relationships progress
When better we should ease
More slowly into new romance
For prudence ever dictates care
Lest we find ourselves along the path
Farther than we were aware
A tender touch, a hand held
The odd or thoughtless kiss
These are tokens of commitment
And perhaps we are remise
If we squander them too lightly
When they should not come into play
So early in relationships
And savored on a later day
For the physical attachment
Which such gestures may imply
Cloud the rest of a relationship
So wise a person if they try
To let foundations of acquaintance
First be laid upon their hearts
For the kindling of friendship
Always makes a better start
There shall be time a plenty
Down the road, if things progress
But let the physical alone
Until you’re sure it’s best
For sometimes we give away too much
Too soon, and carelessly
Offer tokens of affection
When better we should wait and see
By Frank Carpenter ©